8.04.2011

thoughts on the unexpected

Something I wasn't expecting with this pregnancy, that I didn't see coming at all actually, was GUILT.  Guilt for Ava.  Somebody told me at one point that it is normal and this friend had felt that same way, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks.  Some nights (during my baby blues) I found myself crying just for Ava because I felt like I was not giving her the attention she needs.  While she in no way lacks attention and basically wants for nothing, my heart still broke for her.  Especially during the healing process of my body when I'm not supposed to pick up her 30lb little body yet, I had to explain to her that until my tummy gets better I couldn't pick her up, but yet she would see me holding her sister.  I've tried to specifically have her snuggle me on the couch or in bed, but it never felt the same to me, so I know it doesn't to her either.  This I'm still working thru...

She is an amazing big sister.  And it's been interesting to watch the birth order play a roll in her personality.  She now is a little more outgoing.  A little more talkative.  And a lot more protective and helpful with her baby sister. 

Mostly I'm amazed because my fear (like a lot of moms I think) is you ask yourself, how can I love someone else as much as I love you?  The love for your child is second to none.  Yes, I love my husband dearly. With my whole heart.  But, it's a different love.  The love for my children just bleeds out of me.  It's so instinctual, like breathing.  And sure enough, when Bella was born, I was proven that I CAN love more than one child with all the love in the world that I thought was not possible.  WHEW!

2 comments:

Brooklyn said...

I went through the same thing when I had Cam...I felt especially guilty because I thought Austin would feel left out since he had a different dad...but I want you to know, it goes away, pretty quick and both of your baby girls will never doubt how much you love them :) Love you friend!

Matt and Jodi said...

Your feelings are totally normal. I did the same thing with John. There are still times when I wonder if John misses being the only one, but then I see the two of them play and know it that our family is perfectly formed for us. I remember not being able to hold John and it almost did me in...but I promise...it will go away.